A Lifetime of Discipline

Dear Dr. Ray,
I think I’m pretty consistent in disciplining my son (age eight), yet he still gets into trouble for the same things over and over. Why does it seem to take so long for discipline to work?
– Impatient

Kids repel discipline. Being held accountable for their actions is not high on their list of favorite things in life. Conventional child-rearing wisdom says, “Children want discipline. They want the security of knowing there are rules and limits to live by.”
I agree, when they’re grown up and can look back with a longer perspective: “Now I’m starting to understand why my parents (teachers, grandpa, aunt) did what they did.” But at the time it’s happening — the moment of experiencing the repercussions of their behavior — discipline is not something kids want. When was the last time you overheard your son saying to his friend, “Hey, Igor, what do you want to do tonight?”
“I don’t know, Murdoch, what do you want to do?”
“I was thinking, why don’t we go over to my mom’s house and let her discipline us a while?”
In their more rational, away-from-discipline moments, kids may acknowledge the need for discipline, even be slightly grateful here and there. But right as it’s about to affect them, they’ll do what they can to avoid or escape it.
Should that surprise us? Children don’t understand the long range purpose behind most of our parenting. They look at the now, and see that we’re doing something with which they totally disagree.
Again, when was the last time your son ventured out of his room after spending half an hour there for disrespectful talk and said, “Mom, can I talk to you a minute? I was thinking, while I was stuck in my room, watching those guys play football outside without me on the last nicest day of the year, ‘Oh yeah, I could have a mom like Lucky’s mom. She gives him 25 bucks a week for sometimes taking out the trash. He has a nine-foot Nintendo screen in the bathroom and a wet bar in his closet. I don’t have any of that. All I’ve got is a mom like you — strict, old fashioned, doesn’t let me get away with much — and I’m grateful.
“‘You know what else I realized? You’re not trying to be mean. You’re trying to teach me self control, and that will help me when I’m grown up. So, if it’s all right with you, I’m going to finish my homework and go to bed early, after I write letters of apology to all the family members.’” You’d better check that kid’s temperature, he’s getting delirious.
If your son agreed with your discipline, if he learned quickly, would he really need a parent? He could probably get by with a consultant, who showed up every few months with some recommendations, and he’d take it from there.
On the first day of first grade you could say, “Newton, before you get on the bus, let me tell you something. Do your arithmetic homework every day for the next 12 years because you don’t know what you’ll want to be 12 years from now, so keep all your options open, OK?” And he’d respond, “Why thank you, Mother. That makes such sense, I’m surprised they never mentioned it in preschool.” Then, you’d never have to monitor his arithmetic homework again.
As much as we grown-ups talk about the importance of owning up to our actions, we don’t like being disciplined either. We too will do whatever we can to avoid it.
Have you ever been stopped by a state trooper who said: “Ma’am, I clocked you at 71 miles an hour,” and you replied, “Oh no, officer, to be perfectly honest I was doing at least 76. And yes, you caught me today, but I’ve been speeding through here every day on my way to work for the past three years. I should owe the state some back money for that.”
It is the nature of the being, young or old, to avoid unpleasant consequences, and thus to learn things the long way.
To reduce your frustration level a notch or two, consider this: When we say that discipline is not working, what we’re often really saying is that things aren’t improving fast enough. If you redefine “work” to mean “teach a lesson,” then your discipline works

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a clinical psychologist, speaker and author of “You’re A Better Parent Than You Think!” and “Back To The Family.”