Life after divorce

By CHRISTIE L. CHICOINE
CS&T Staff Writer

Divorce can be a tremendous challenge to one’s faith — an experience that may prompt such questions as, “Why did God let this happen to me?” But it is not something that any Catholic should have to go through alone.
“When we feel frightened, alone, abandoned, [when] our life is upside down and we’re not sure of our sense of direction, all those things just speak to when we need our Church, our faith, the support of our clergy and a spiritual center,” said Mary Beth Rea, program coordinator of the Divorce and Beyond program for men and women who are divorced or have filed for divorce.
“The need to be able to talk, to be heard, to be understood, goes on long after friends and family are ready to move on past your dilemma,” said Rea, a parishioner of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Parish in Bensalem.
No matter how empathetic family and friends are, as with any loss or life crisis, it is critical to be with people who have walked that same path or who are walking it to really be heard and get healed, she said.
“We can speak to each other with a certain type of authority that maybe somebody else wouldn’t. …,” Rea said of the group. “Maybe there’s a little bit of a ‘Come on, get past that,’ that family or friends might not be willing to say — but we can, because we’ve done it.”
Divorce and Beyond will be offering three nine-week sessions covering the process of divorce, from coping with anger to developing pathways for growth. The program will be open to Catholics and non-Catholics throughout the region, through the courtesy of the parishes of Bucks County’s Cluster 28: St. Charles Borromeo, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, St. Ephrem and Our Lady of Fatima, all of Bensalem, and St. Thomas Aquinas in Croydon.
Led by a team of facilitators who are, themselves, divorced, the sessions will be held from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. on Mondays at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Rectory, 1200 Park Ave. in Bensalem. The first session will run from Monday, Sept. 13 through Monday, Nov. 8. The second session will run from January into March, and the third in May and June. All sessions will be confidential.
The Archdiocese’s Family Life Office provided facilitation training, and suggested the resource book on which the program is named and based.
Father Michael J. Lonergan, pastor of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Parish, stressed the necessity of the program, which debuted last fall.
“It’s a real form of grief,” Father Lonergan said of divorce. For many, working through the grief of divorce can be more difficult than dealing with the death of a loved one. “There is a conscious decision to leave, rather than an involuntary one,” he said.
Through the program, the Church conveys this message: “You’re all our people,” Father Lonergan added.
Participants have indicated how appreciative they are that the Church is there for them during their recovery from divorce, according to Rea. While realizing that the Church is not advocating divorce, they appreciate the accessibility of the Church in helping them find answers.
“It doesn’t matter how long you were married,” said Rea. “The death of a marriage is a death of a marriage, whether it was two years or 52 years.”
Rea was divorced in 1985 after nine years of marriage and received an annulment. She has a 28-year-old son.
“When you’re divorced, you’re always divorced,” she said. “Because I have a child, there are still occasions where that part of my life confronts me.”
Events that require both sides of a family to gather — or, just paging through a photograph album — brings the past to the present.
“Being divorced doesn’t define who I am,” said Rea. Rather, “it’s a piece of my history.”
The circumstances through which a marriage ended are not germane to the group.
“Even if you’ve been told, or have come to believe, that you bear the majority of the responsibility for the death of the marriage, you’re still entitled to heal,” said Rea.
“There’s room for people in this program to tell their story of what happened, but we’re not so much interested in the ‘he said, she said,’ recounting of the details and circumstances.”
Thus, the program is not geared to those who are separated or who have a troubled marriage, but for those who are divorced or in the process of divorcing “and now we’re going to move on and rebuild,” said Rea.
Spiritual struggles among the divorced are also addressed in the sessions.
“When you start talking about self-esteem, when you start talking about loneliness, what’s more lonely than not feeling like you have your spiritual center, or that you’re spiritually grounded?” asked Rea.
Divorce is one of the life crises where people wonder if they can turn to the Church for help, she said.
“We lose people who get divorced because it gets too complicated ... too confusing. They’re very intimidated, or irate about the annulment process.
“Even in their own misconceptions and confusion, they don’t feel they can turn to God, that they’ve committed an almost unforgivable sin or wrong.”
As a result, some stop going to church, as do their children.
The reality, said Rea, is that it takes two to make a marriage, but only one to make a divorce — if one of the spouses decides he or she is finished with the marriage, after a certain point there is nothing the other spouse can do about it.
The group also helps to quell “any sense of shame” there might be among the divorced, she said.
“It’s a vulnerable time for people,” said Rea. She described the program gatherings as warm, supportive and nonjudgmental. “It’s not a scary thing. We’re men and women of all ages, with children, without children.
The group is not about spouse-bashing, said Rea. Nor is it a social club or a dating service. “We have fun ... but there is some work involved. It’s about healing.”
Participants learn to look realistically at what their role was in the failure of the marriage and, where necessary, to take responsibility for their part in what happened. They are also asked to keep a journal throughout the program for later reference.
Although the program does not include, or replace, counseling services, it would be an appropriate adjunct to counseling, said Rea. A list of area counselors from the Archdiocese’s Catholic Social
Services is provided to participants.
The bottom line, according to Rea, is that “there is life on the other side of divorce —  lots of it, and good life. It takes work, but it’s worth it.”
For registration information, call St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Rectory at (215) 245-6122 by Sept. 8.
For information on other programs in the Archdiocese for Catholics who are divorced, call the Family Life Office at (610) 660-9002. As of Aug. 25, call the Family Life Office at (215) 587-5639.

Contact Christie L. Chicoine at (215) 587-2468 or cchicoin@adphila.org

What’s the difference between a divorce and an annulment? Why can’t Catholics get divorced and remarried in the Church without an annulment? Where did the rules originate?

For answers to these questions and for more information about the annulment process, contact the Archdiocese’s Metropolitan Tribunal at 215-587-3750, e-mail tribunal@adphila.org or check out the Tribunal’s Web site, http://home.netcom.com/~adphltrb/
A case may not be started via e-mail or by visiting the Web site. To start a case, call 215-587-3750.