The look of discipline

Dear Dr. Ray,
Why do my kids routinely ignore me when I tell them to do something, but all their father has to do is look and they jump?
Feeling bad

Don’t feel too bad. Few children respond identically to both parents. Just as no two kids are exactly alike, no two parents are exactly alike. You and your spouse probably differ in many ways — warmth, talkativeness, patience, consistency. Therefore, your kids’ selective oblivion towards you is most likely nothing personal, but more a reflection of the dynamics of your interaction. That last phrase was a bit shrinky-sounding, so let me speak English.
Your lament is common. Typically, a child does respond better to one parent’s discipline than the other’s. In your house, it’s dad’s, so let’s consider why, starting with the little ones.
Preschoolers as a group seem to react more cooperatively to fathers than to mothers. In no way does this imply that moms are less skilled disciplinarians. There are other influences: Dads have deeper, stronger voices. They tend to be more imposing — more commanding of attention — at least through eyes that see the world from three feet above ground-level.
Of course, this image effect usually wears off with time. Kids get bigger, more accustomed to dad, and they’ll learn to tune him out if he only practices gorilla discipline. Gorillas can look extremely intimidating. They puff themselves up, beat their chests and growl, but it’s mostly show unless they’re threatened. While fathers may enter the discipline arena with a slight physical advantage, if they don't learn to actually discipline, children will eventually ignore their bluster. Kids are far too fearless to be intimidated by someone only twice their size.
There’s another reason dad may get more cooperation. Generally children push harder on the parent they are around more. For kids, familiarity doesn’t breed contempt, it breeds knowledge. And they will use that knowledge to probe for all of our weak spots, guilt nerves and inconsistencies. They want to get from point A to point 13, and you’re in the way. So if they can’t go through you, they’ll go around you — and ignore you if they have to.
What’s the upshot of all this? The more time you spend around your child, the harder you must work to be consistent in your discipline, and to follow words with action instead of more words.
You would also be wise to look for differences between you and your husband’s discipline styles. Is he more consistent than you? Does he speak calmly but with resolve? If his “look” fails to get cooperation, will there be consequences?
My father’s first line discipline was a resounding “HEY,” which usually got my attention. It wasn’t the “hey” that made me move but my certainty that something more tangible would follow if I ignored the word.
Indeed, many parents recall, “All my mother had to do was give me the evil eye. … My father would just look at us over his glasses. … My mom only had to snap her fingers and we knew. …” How did our parents exert this quiet authority? They worked at it. There’s no magic in looks, glasses or fingers. It was their willingness to back up those warning signals with concrete, sure action if necessary. Pretty soon just the gestures were sufficient.
If, after all this self-analyzing, you conclude that there are few discipline differences between you and your husband, then my speculation is simply that the kids are pushing harder on you because they are know your style and your soft spots.
The good news is that you can, with a little work, change how the children look at you. And then you too can just look at them, with results.

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a clinical psychologist, speaker, and author of You're A Better Parent Than You Think! and Back To The Family.