The Catholic Standard and Times

Parental ‘addenda’ just don’t work

By Dr. Ray Guarendi

Dear Dr. Ray,
I have to get firm and say “I mean it” or “Now!” to get my kids to listen. And they’re starting to ignore me even then.

—Help. I mean it.

It sounds like your kids have trained you to resort to what I call addenda.
That’s a sticky trap that can pull in even the best of parents, and you have to be careful which sort of addenda you decide to use.

What are addenda? They are words or sentences tacked on to a parental request or command that are designed to add weight to our original words.

A recent survey ranked the top seven parental addenda:

1) I mean it!

2) Did you hear me?

3) Now!

4) I’m not going to say it again!

5) I said — (repeat original directive).

6) Don’t make me come over there!

7) First, middle, last name (varies from child to child).

What’s the problem with using those addenda?

First, as you are finding out, they don’twork. In the beginning, they grab some attention or compliance, but their power fades with time.

Second, they convey a false message. Do you only mean it when you say, “I mean it?” If you don’t say that, does it mean you don’t mean what you’re saying — that you are, in fact, “just talking to hear (yourself) talk?”

Third, addenda tend to get loud. The more they are used, the easier they are to fire off with increasing volume. And it’s a short step from high decibels to high emotions. After a while, that can take its toll on both you and little Adler.
Last, and most important, when it comes to discipline, the persuasive power of words isn’t improved with more words. If a 12-word request isn’t heeded, why would a 15-word one be?

A truism of discipline is that the teaching power lies in the consequences — not the words.

So how do you withdraw from fruitless addenda? It’s probably best to go cold turkey. Stop using them.

What can you put in their place to give yourself more authority with your kids?

Here are examples of addenda that do work pretty well:

Hazel, please pick up the family room. Addendum: If I ask you again, you’ll vacuum it, too.

Butkus, leave your brother alone, or … Addendum: you’ll head for your room for half an hour.

Don’t nag me, Constance, because … Addendum: the next time you ask the answer is automatically ‘No.’

Action addenda work. Authority comes from consistently meaning what you say. And meaning what you say comes from backing your words with consequences, not more words.

So don’t do it anymore, OK? I mean it. I’m not writing just to watch myself write. Do you read me?

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a clinical psychologist, speaker, and author of You’re A Better Parent Than You Think! and Back To The Family.